004: Breakdown

I am not ready for talking about lulu yet. It is like opening up wounds but more mentally and emotionally excruciating.

My most recent breakdown was two weeks ago, literally right at the beginning of my two-week road trip up to PNW.

I parked at the trailhead of Mt. Whitney, at around 8PM on a Sunday night. The plan is to rest in my car for 4 - 5 hours before I start my hike at 1AM up and down the highest point in the lower 48. I have a single sized mattress set up in my van. Dear Nelia let me borrow it for my trip the day before I left for the trip. It was great, the conditions were perfect.

Everything tumbled down when I closed my eyes as memories resurfaced by themselves. That feeling must be equivalent to being taken and drowned in the tsunami. So four hours went by, I did not rest any bit. I was taken by the strong emotions and flooded with tears.

It was purely unintentional but my mind was inevitably taken back to the last road trip i had with Lulu where i traveled the America west in a bleak cold winter of 2021. Ya, it is painful to think back through time. It hurts, and hurts for hours. until the hour arrives and i need to pack and leave for the hike.

This seems to be the norm now in how i process grief and how grief is like to me in my life. Like an uninvited guest, almost. Just show up unnoticed and steal the show. Anything might become the trigger, honestly. Since she was really involved and the connection we had were deep.